Welcome, Gay Baby!

The Alnegua children react enthusiastically to the news they are getting a gay baby brother.

Morganton NC — Unable to conceive their own homosexual child, a straight married couple is seeking to adopt a gay baby, according to state authorities.

The Alneguas had been trying for years to give birth to a gay child. “We had almost given up hope,” explained Cynthia Alnegua, “of ever having a little gay or lesbian to call our own.”

“I figured it just wasn’t in the cards for us,” lamented Dan Alnegua. “I told my wife, ‘There are worse things; at least we still have our health’ –”

“– and the love of 13 beautiful straight children we’ve conceived over the course of trying,” added his wife, who paused momentarily to wipe the tears from her eyes. ”Of course, if God saw fit to bless us with a little twink who liked to go shoe shopping with his mommy, we wouldn’t complain.”

The Alneguas were just about to throw in the towel, when a friend suggested they seek the advice of a gay fertility specialist. After months of searching, they discovered Dr. Emil Gostitch, Director of “Two Fertile Doves,” a clinic located in the town of Fort Gay, West Virginia, almost five- hundred miles from their home.

“We didn’t care about the distance,” stated Mr. Alnegua. “We were prepared to do anything to have a little queer in our family — even travel to the ends of the Earth.”

After putting them through a series of blood tests and DNA analyses, Dr. Gostitch was at a loss to explain why the Alneguas’ attempts at homosexual reproduction had proven unfruitful. “This is a young, healthy couple with a great sense of fashion,” said Gostitch. “By all accounts, they should have no problems conceiving a gay child or, at the very least, an over-the-top drag queen.”

Gostitch prescribed several homeopathic approaches for the couple, including having sex during a broadcast of the Tony Awards and using bedsheets with a floral print, but nothing seemed to work.

Then, according to Mr. Alguena, “our doctor told us about the gay baby adoption program run by the state. It was like God opened up a whole new door for us.”

A spokesperson for the North Carolina Department of Families and Children said the Alneguas are no different from thousands of other young couples unable to conceive a homosexual child. “To people like Mr. and Mrs. Alguena,” said a DFC spokesperson, “we want to say, ‘There is hope.’”

The agency said it gets thousands of requests for gay and lesbian babies every year, and the waiting list is long.

Fortunately for the Aguenas, their timing was perfect.

After getting pre-screened by an adoption counselor, the enthusiastic couple was introduced to an unwed pregnant teenager, who was due to give birth to a gay baby boy in three weeks. The young girl, whose name has been withheld because of her age, was thrilled to have found a couple willing to adopt her child.

“I know they’ll give it a good home,” she said, “with plenty of color coordination and walk-in closets with cushiony hangers.”

The Alneguas eagerly await the arrival of little Shannon Frances. “I can’t wait to display that bumper sticker,” said the father-to-be. “You know, that one that says, ‘Proud Parents of a Gay Baby.’”

Their friends have planned a ‘bright and showy’ baby shower to celebrate the new arrival. “We don’t expect any gifts,” said Mrs. Alneguas. “Although I did register for him at Merle Norman.”

“Hint, hint!” she added.